Sesame Street: Best of James/Transcript
Main This is a transcript for Sesame Street: Best of James. *(Sesame Street Theme Song & Title Card) *Elmo: Oh!, Hi!, Welcome To Sesame Street! My Name is Elmo! Today, Elmo, Zoe, Big Bird, Elmo's Friends, and Some of The PBS Kids Characters Have Come To Honor James For Being a Spelenid Engine! * (Doorbell Rings) *Elmo: That Will be Zoe, Big Bird, Elmo's Friends, and Some of The PBS Kids Characters Are Here! *(Door Opens at Zoe Big Bird, Elmo's Friends, and The PBS Kids Characters) *Elmo: Hi, Everyone! *Big Bird, Zoe & PBS Kids Characters: Hi, Elmo! *Elmo: Hi, Big Bird and Zoe! Ready to Go? *Ruff Ruffman: You Bet! *Elmo: Let's Go! *Big Bird: Here We Go! *Zoe: Let’s Honor Him! *(Elmo, Zoe, Big Bird & PBS Kids Characters arrived at the location to honor James) *Big Bird: We Made It! *(Engine Whistles) *Elmo: Here Comes James! *Mr. Ratburn: Hello, James! *Ruff Ruffman: You Have Been a Very Splendid Engine Other the Past Years! *James: Thanks! I Got Some Stories To Share With Everyone! *Elmo: Stories! *James: Here's My First One! *(Stories Starts At James Learns A Lesson) *George Carlin: James was enjoying his life on the Island of Sodor, but he still had a lot to learn. *Sir Topham Hatt: You're a special mixed traffic engine. *George Carlin: Said Sir Topham Hatt. *Sir Topham Hatt: You can pull coaches or freight cars quite easily, but you must learn by your mistakes. *George Carlin: James knew what Sir Topham Hatt meant. He could well remember that dreadful accident on his first day. *Edward: Be careful with the coaches James. *George Carlin: Said kind little Edward. *Edward: They don't like being bumped. *George Carlin: Everyone came to admire James. *James: I'm really a splendid engine. *George Carlin: He thought and suddenly let off steam. *James: Wheesht! *George Carlin: A shower of water fell on Sir Topham's nice new top hat. Just then, the conductor blew his whistle and James thought they had better go. *James: Go on, go on! *George Carlin: He puffed to Edward. *Edward: Don't push, don't push! *George Carlin: Puffed Edward. The coaches were grumbling too. *Coaches: Don't go so fast, don't go so fast! *George Carlin: But James wouldn't listen. When at last they stopped at the next station two coaches were beyond the platform. They have to go back to let the passengers out. But no one seems to know about Sir Topham's new hat so James felt happier. Presently they came to the station where Thomas was waiting with his two coaches. *Thomas: Hello James. *George Carlin: Said Thomas. *Thomas: Feeling better? That's good. Oh, that's my conductor's whistle. I must go. I don't know what Sir Topham Hatt would do without me to run this branch line. *George Carlin: And he puffed off importantly. Edward and James passed the field where James had his accident. The fence was mended and the cows were back again. They ended their journey and rested before setting off for home. James was still wondering what Sir Topham would have to say about his new hat. The next morning, he spoke severely to James. *Sir Topham Hatt: If you can't behave, I shall take away your red coat and have you painted blue. *George Carlin: James didn't like that at all. He was very rough with the grumbling coaches as he brought them to the platform. *James: Don't talk, come on! Gordon never fetches his own coaches. *George Carlin: He thought to himself. *James: And he's only painted blue. *George Carlin: To make James even more cross, this time no one came near him. *James: I'll show them. *George Carlin: He thought. *James: They think Gordon is the only engine who can pull coaches. Hurry, hurry, hurry! *George Carlin: Puffed James. *Coaches: You're going too fast, you're going to fast! *George Carlin: Replied the coaches. James laughed and tried to go faster, but the coaches wouldn't let him. *Coaches: We're going to stop, we're going to stop! *(James soon comes to a complete halt) *James: What's the matter? *George Carlin: James asked his driver. *Driver: The brakes on, leak in the pipe most likely. You banged the coaches enough to make a leak in anything. *Conductor: How shall we mend it? *George Carlin: Asked the conductor. *Driver: We'll do it with a newspaper and a leather bootlace. *George Carlin: Replied the driver. * Conductor: But where's the bootlace coming from? *George Carlin: Asked the conductor. *Driver: Ask the passengers. *George Carlin: Said the driver. *Conductor: You have a leather bootlace there. *George Carlin: Said the Conductor to a smartly dressed man. *Conductor: Please give it to me. *Man: I won't. *Conductor: Then I'm afraid the train will just stop where it is. *George Carlin: The passengers all said what a bad railway it was. Then they told the man how bad he was instead. Everyone was very cross. At last, he handed his laces over. The driver tied a pad of newspaper tightly around the hole in the brake pipe, and James was able to pull the train. But he was a sadder and wiser James and took care never to bump coaches again. *James: That’s one lesson I should learn from now on. *Elmo: Yeah *Ruff Ruffman: You Can Move On To your next story. *James: Alright *(Stories Starts At Foolish Fright Cars) *George Carlin: James had not been out to push coaches or freight cars in the yard for several days. He was feeling miserable. *James: Oh dear. I wonder how long I shall have to stay in the shed would anyone else see my coat again? Why did I go so fast that I made a hole in one of my coaches that had to be mended with of all things a passenger's bootlace. *George Carlin: At last Sir Topham Hatt arrived. *Sir Topham Hatt: I know you are sorry, James, and I know too that you want to be a useful engine. People are laughing at my railway and I do not like that at all. *James: I will try hard to do my best. *George Carlin: Said James. *Sir Topham Hatt: That's a good engine. There's nothing like determination. I want you to pull some freight cars for me. *George Carlin: James was delighted and puffed away. *Thomas: Here's your freight train, James. *George Carlin: Said Thomas. *Thomas: Have you got some bootlaces ready? *George Carlin: And he ran off laughing. *Cars: Oh, no! *George Carlin: Said the freight cars. *Cars: We want a proper engine, not a red monster. *George Carlin: James took no notice and started as soon as the conductor was ready. *James: Come along, come along. *George Carlin: He puffed. *Cars: We won't, we won't. *George Carlin: Screamed the cars. But James didn't care and he pulled the screeching cars sternly out of the station. The cars tried hard to make him give up but he still kept on. Sometimes their brakes will slip on and sometimes their axles will run hot and each time the trouble had to be put right and each time James will start again, determined not to let them beat him. *Cars: Give up, give up! You can't pull us! You can't, you can't! *George Carlin: Called the cars. *James: I can and I will! I can and I will! *George Carlin: Puffed James and slowly but surely, he pulled them along the line. At last they saw Gordon's Hill. *Driver: Look out for trouble, James. *George Carlin: Warned his driver. *Driver: We'll go fast and get them up before they know it. Don't let them stop you. *George Carlin: So James went faster and soon they were halfway up. *James: I'm doing it, I'm doing it. *George Carlin: He panted. *James: Will the top never come? *George Carlin: Then with a sudden jerk, it all came easier. *James: I've done it, I've done it. Hooray! It's easy now. *George Carlin: But his driver shut off steam. *Driver: They've done it again. We've left our tail behind. Look. *George Carlin: The last cars were running backwards down the hill. A coupling had snapped. But the conductor stopped the cars and got out to warn approaching engines. *James: That's why it was easy. *George Carlin: Said James as he backed the cars carefully down. *James: What silly things freight cars are. They're might have been an accident. *Edward: Shall I help you, James? *George Carlin: Called Edward. *James: No thank you. I'll pull them myself. *Edward: Good, don't let them beat you. You're doing well! *George Carlin: Whistled Edward as James slowly struggled up the hill. *James: I can do it, I can do it. *George Carlin: He puffed. He pulled and puffed as hard as he could. *James: I've done it, I've done it! *George Carlin: He panted. James was resting in the yard when Edward pulled up. *Edward: Peep peep! *George Carlin: He whistled. Then, James saw Sir Topham Hatt. *James: Oh dear, what will he say? *George Carlin: He asked himself. But Sir Topham Hatt was smiling. *Sir Topham Hatt: I was in Edward's train and I saw everything. You made the most troublesome train on the line behaved. After that performance, you deserve to keep your red coat. *James: At Least I Got Those Troublesome Trucks from acting up. *Elmo: Yeah! With A Minute, You Had Trouble with them again? * James: Sure! Let Me Tell You! * George Carlin: Toby and Henrietta were enjoying their new job on the Island of Sodor, but they do look old fashioned and did need new paint. James was very rude whenever he saw them. * James: Yech! What dirty objects! * George Carlin: He would say. At last, Toby lost patience. * Toby: James? * George Carlin: He asked. * Toby: Why are you red? * James: I am a splendid engine. * George Carlin: Answered James. * James: Ready for anything. You never see my paint dirty. * Toby: Oh. * George Carlin: Said Toby earnestly. * Toby: That's why you once needed bootlaces to be ready I suppose. * George Carlin: James went redder than ever and snorted off. It was such an insult to be reminded of how the time a bootlace had been use to mend a hole in his coaches. At the end of the line, James left his coaches and got ready for his next train. It was a slow freight, stopping at every station to pick up and set down cars. James hated slow freight trains. * James: Dirty cars from dirty sidings! Yech! * George Carlin: Starting an only a few, he picked up more and more cars at each station till he had a long train. At first, the freight cars behaved well, but James bumped them so crossly that they were determined to get back at him. Presently, they approached the top of Gordon's Hill. Heavy freight trains halt here to set the brakes. James had an accident with cars before and should have remembered this. * Driver: Wait James, wait! * George Carlin: Said the driver, but James wouldn't wait. He was too busy thinking what he would say to Toby when they next met. The freight cars' chance had come. * Cars: Hurrah! Hurrah! * George Carlin: They laughed, and banging their buffers they pushed him down the hill. * Cars: On, on! * George Carlin: Yelled the cars. * James: I've got to stop, I've got to stop! * George Carlin: Groaned James. Disaster lay ahead. * (James crashes into the tar wagons) * George Carlin: Something sticky splashed all over James. He had run into two tar wagons, and was black from smokebox to cab. He was more dirty than hurt, but the tar wagons and some cars were all to pieces. Toby and Percy were sent to help and came as quickly as they could. * Toby: Look here, Percy! * George Carlin: Exclaimed Toby. * Toby: Whatever is that dirty object? * Percy: That's James, didn't you know? * Toby: It's James' shape. * George Carlin: Said Toby. * Toby: But James is a splendid red engine and you'll never see his paint dirty. * George Carlin: James pretended he hadn't heard. Toby and Percy cleared away the unhurt cars and help James home. Sir Topham Hatt met them. * Sir Topham Hatt: Well done, Percy and Toby. * George Carlin: He turned to James. * Sir Topham Hatt: Fancy letting your cars run away. I am surprised. You're not fit to be seen. You must be cleaned at once. Toby shall have a new coat of paint. * Toby: Please sir, can Henrietta have one too? * George Carlin: Said Toby. * Sir Topham Hatt: Certainly Toby. * Toby: Oh thank you sir. She will be pleased. * George Carlin: All James could do was watch Toby as he ran off happily with the news. * Toopy & Binoo: Lucky for you. Now Can Hear You A Story? * James: Well, Not Exacty. * Miss Rosa & Hooper: Guess Not. * James: I'll tell you a story about my joke. * (Stories Starts At No Joke For James) * George Carlin: James is a mixed traffic engine. He can pull both freight cars and coaches. He's proud of his smart red paint and so is his driver. * James' Driver: Everyone says you brighten up their day, James. * George Carlin: One morning, James whistled loudly at the other engines. * James: "Look at me! I am the smartest most useful engine on the line!" * Thomas: "Rubbish." * George Carlin: Replied Thomas. * Thomas: "We're all useful. Sir Topham Hatt says so and he's head of the whole railway." * Percy: "You know what, James?" * George Carlin: Added Percy. * James: "What?" * George Carlin: Replied James. * Percy: "You're getting all puffed up." * George Carlin: James huffed away. Later, he was still boasting. * James: I'm the pride of the line. * Gordon: I saw you pulling freight cars. * George Carlin': '''Snorted Gordon. * George Carlin: You're only a goods engine. * James: I pull coaches too. * Gordon: Not as much as I do. * James: But Sir Topham Hatt has plans for me. * George Carlin: James was only making this up but Gordon believed him. * Gordon: What plans? * '''James': Uh wait and see. Oh dear. * George Carlin: He thought. * James: Now what'll I do? * George Carlin: Thomas was shunting shiny new coaches. * Thomas: Good morning, James. * James: Are those coaches for me? * George Carlin: Asked James hopefully. * Thomas: No, these are for Gordon's Express. I'll fetch your freight cars next. * George Carlin: But James was going to play a trick on the other engines. * James: Actually, Thomas, I'm taking the coaches. Sir Topham Hatt asked me to tell you. * Thomas: What about the cars? * George Carlin: Asked Thomas. * James: Uh give them to Gordon. * Thomas' Driver: Come on, Thomas. * George Carlin: Said his driver. * Thomas' Driver: Orders and orders. * George Carlin: So when James' driver returned, James was coupled to the coaches and he puffed away. Thomas returned with the freight cars. And a few minutes later, Gordon arrived. * Gordon: Where's the express? * George Carlin: Thomas told him about James. * Thomas: And so here are your cars. * George Carlin: Gordon was very cross and so was his driver. * Gordon's Driver: Wait'll Sir Topham Hatt hears about this. * George Carlin: Meanwhile James was enjoying himself enormously. * James: What a clever plan! What a clever plan! * George Carlin: He chuffed. Then he saw Sir Topham Hatt. * Sir Topham Hatt: Some jokes are funny, but not this one, James. You have caused confusion. * James: Yes Sir. * George Carlin: Said James. * Sir Topham Hatt: You will now stay in your shed until you are wanted. * George Carlin: The other engines teased James. * Gordon: I wonder who'd be pulling the express today? * George Carlin: Said Gordon. * Henry: I expect it'll be you. * George Carlin: Replied Henry. * Henry: James is stuck in the shed for being silly. * George Carlin: James felt sad. Next morning, he went back to work. * Thomas: Hello. * George Carlin: Whistled Thomas. * Thomas: Good to see you out and about again. * James: I'm sorry I tricked you. * George Carlin: Said James. * James: Are these my cars? * Thomas: Yes. * George Carlin: Replied Thomas kindly. * Thomas: They're please to have you back. * George Carlin: James set off to the harbor with his train of freight cars. He bustled about all day pushing and pulling them into place. * James' Driver: Time to go home now, James. * George Carlin: Said his driver at last. * James' Driver: No cars or passengers. Just we too. * George Carlin: But his driver was wrong. * Railway Inspector: Excuse me. * George Carlin: Called a man. * Railway Inspector: I have a meeting with Sir Topham Hatt and I mustn't be late. May I ride back with you? * James' Driver: Of course. * George Carlin: Replied James' driver. Then he whispered to James. * James' Driver: This gentleman is a railway inspector. * George Carlin: James was most impressed. He steamed along the line as smoothly and quickly as he could. Sir Topham Hatt was waiting on the platform and the railway inspector greeted him warmly. * Railway Inspector: This clever engine gave me a splendid ride. You must be proud of him. * Sir Topham Hatt: Yes indeed. Once again, you are a really useful engine. * James: That was my joke. I would never do it ever again. * Arthur: Yeah You did. * Caillou: Remember The Rules. * James: I was stung by a bee once. * (Stories Starts At James Goes Buzz Buzz) * George Carlin: Trevor the Traction Engine was enjoying his work in the Vicarage Orchard. Birds were singing, and apples were ripening on the trees. It was a lovely day. * James: Hello, Trevor. * George Carlin: Said James. * James: You look as bright and cheerful as my red paint. * Trevor: Oh, I am. * George Carlin: Replied Trevor. * James: What's that noise? * Trevor: It's the bees. * George Carlin: Laughed Trevor. * Trevor: They're all in these boxy things called beehives. I'm taking them to the station. The vicar says his bees make good honey and he's giving some of them to his friends. * George Carlin: Just then, BoCo the Diesel Engine hummed in. * BoCo: Take care you two. Don't make the bees angry. They might sting you. * George Carlin: James didn't like being told what to do by a diesel and he buzzed away. * BoCo: Goodbye, Trevor. * George Carlin: Called BoCo and set off to see Duck at the next station. Bill and Ben the tank engine twins were busy arranging cars. But they scampered off when they saw BoCo. * BoCo: I remember the first time I met those two terrors. * George Carlin: Laughed BoCo. * BoCo: They nearly made my eyes pop out. Edward soon put a stop to their games. * Duck: Edward is the only one who can keep Bill and Ben in order. * George Carlin: Chuckled Duck. * Duck: I sometimes call them "The Bees.". * BoCo: A good name. * George Carlin: Replied BoCo. * BoCo: They're terrors when they start buzzing around. * George Carlin: James bustled in. * James: What's that, Duck? Are you afraid of bees? They're only insects after all, so don't let that buzz box diesel tell you different. * Duck: His name is BoCo, and he didn't. We... * James: I wouldn't care, if hundreds were swarming around. I'd just blow smoke and make them buzz off. * Duck: Buzz, buzz, buzz. * George Carlin: Retorted Duck. The next morning, James arrived at the station to collect his coaches. The passengers were excited and keen to get on board. The platform was crowded and the porter was in a hurry. * Porter: Mind your backs. * George Carlin: He shouted. Then there was trouble. The beehive fell and broke open. The station cleared like magic. James heard a familiar buzzing. The bees were too cold to be cross so they buzzed around the fireman hoping he'd mend their hive. But he didn't understand, nor did his driver. So the bees turned to James. His boiler was nice and warm. * James: Buzz off! Buzz off! * George Carlin: Hissed James. One bee burnt his foot. * Bee: Ooh! Aah! Aah! Ooh! * George Carlin: The bee thought James had burnt him on purpose. * (The bee charges toward James) * George Carlin: So it stung James right back on the nose. * (Doink!) (The bee stings James with his nose) * James: Eeeeeeeeeeee! * George Carlin: Whistled James. He had had enough so had his fireman and driver. They didn't notice till too late that they had left all their coaches behind. They tried everything to get rid of the bees. First they spun on the turntable but to no avail. They tried washing them off but the bees clung harder to James' warm boiler. Then they tried smoking them off by going through a long tunnel. But still the bees wouldn't go away. * Driver: It's no good, James. * George Carlin: Said his driver. * Driver: We'll just have to get back to the orchard and fetch another hive. * George Carlin: James' reply was drowned by the sound of buzzing. The Vicar was waiting anxiously for James. When he arrived, the bees swarm straight into their new home. * Driver: Come on, James. * George Carlin: Said his driver. * Driver: What you need now is a good hose down. * George Carlin: Later that evening, James was resting in the shed when the Vicar came to see him. * Vicar: Thank you for saving my bees. * George Carlin: He said. * Vicar: It's a pity it's not Christmas, then we could call you "James the Red-Nosed Engine". * George Carlin: Everyone laughed, even James. But instead, they decided to call James "The Bee's Knees", which means they thought he was more useful than ever. * James: I don’t want that to happen ever again. Category:Transcripts Category:Sesame Street TV Spoofs Category:Sesame Street Spoofs Category:Fetch! With Ruff Ruffman TV Spoofs Category: Fetch! With Ruff Ruffman Spoofs Category:Arthur TV Spoofs Category:Arthur parodies Category:PBS Kids Spoofs Category:PBS Kids Crossovers Category:Sesame Street Category:Toopy & Binoo Spoofs